*Expresses Frustration*

Well I certainly didn't think I'd actually get around to blogging tonight, mostly due to my ridiculous schedule and pure lameness. But anyways, some..... Crazy stuff just down. As in within this last hour.
So I'm hanging out on my bed studying some AP Euro, when my cell phone rings, which is a rather unusual occurrence. Now when I pick it up, the person on the other end is a girl who is in band with me. A very quiet type, I'd honestly not spoken 10 words to the girl, but I'd always thought her very nice (she's a year older than me mind you).
So she tells about how her two good friends were asking MY two best friends to Prom, and was wondering if I'd like to go with her................
*insert me freaking out*
I was just like "WHAT????????????? PROM?????????"
And my face removed itself from my body.
Now in reality I calmly told her I'd be delighted, and we talked for a little while (which was kind of akward but very nice). Now after I hung up I just kind of sat in a dazed stupor. PROM??? I mean. Who would even consider me??? Especially this girl whom I hardly knew.
Now while I was freaking out I was also ecstatic. I was super excited. I mean, PROM!!!
with this girl, this could possibly be super awesome. Perhaps even a chance to finally move on completely. Nit to mention my two best friends in the world would be going with me. It was to good to be true.
Unfortunately, it was.
I looked at my calendar to write down the date, and realized that my Uncle's wedding was the exact same day. In Pittsburg, and I was attending. I had no say in the matter.
So I stared at my phone for twenty minutes trying to think of what to say, and then called the girl back and told her....... She sounded so sad...... I felt, feel, awful. That I had led her on like that. Not to mention, all those grand plans ruined....
But I suppose that's life.
Goodnight.

....... WOW......

As the title so adeptly states....... WOW...... Its been a while. I mean, its been a few months since ive even thought about going on this site. WOH WOH WEE WOH, everything has changed...... Not really.
It was interesting to reread some entries from months long past. I sounded..... Kinda Whiny. But I know i had at least a half decent reason.
I wont lie, the reason for my absence was well...... I just didnt want to do it anymore. I thought perhaps if i just rid myself of any ties to the world of emotional instability, it would bring about that change i hoped for. I just thought "Heck, i dont need this to feel better, I'm the one that will make myself feel better, so i need to get out and do it." Which until that point had seemed like a hopeless cause.
Now the reason for the changed in mindset actually came partially from the viewers of this blog ( Which i cant thank you enough for listening to my disheartening ramblings, if anyone still remembers this exists hah), as well as a good friend. Now this friend is the older brother of my main man, my bread and butter as it were (best friend). Now this guy has done it all, he's traveled all over, worked all sorts of intriguing jobs, and quite letter had sex with more women than i have friends (that sounds unimpressive, so we'll say ALOT of women).
But this guy isnt a playa, or a sex crazed asshole, he's a devoted family man who kind to everyone, and tries to help people wherever he goes. He's a very awesome dude in general. Now i finally got the courage to tell this guy about my predicament, and how frustrated i was that i still got terrible pangs of sadness. So he told me that i was depending to much on other people to make me happy. He said that yes, other people can try to make you happy, or can complete you, but only YOU can make yourself happy. And that doesn't mean just being loner. YOU need to accept the help of others and apply it to your life, you cant just ride on them, hoping it'll make you happier. Now im doing him an injustice be repeating all this in the way im doing it, but the way he said it... There was just something that CLICKED. And i decided to use that mindset in my life from that point on. And its helped, im become gradually happier with each day that passes. Some other stuff happened.. but im falling asleep at the keyboard, so ill save it. Have a good one. 

No Hard Feelings

My, what a week it's already turned Out to be, not to mention we celebrated my favorite holiday....... PI DAY!!!! Heck yeah.
So let me fill in the gap between the past and present that has occurred since my last real post.
And..... I'm drawing a blank.
That normally means it was just ok, and my brain was to lazy to remember it.
We had our first and only Wind Symphony concert, which went over alright. I left early with some friends to party (which means we blasted indie music and spent all our money at Panda Express).
Well, if I remember more I'll post about it, I'm positive there was.
Moving on, recently, as in this past month, I've talked to one of my few friends I can have a real conversation with. She has an absurd amount of patience for me, which I am glad of. We bitch to each other and give each other life help constantly, and she finally convinced me to just pretend to be happy, but put a huge effort into it. Because, she said, you'll find you'reself actually in a better mood by the end of the day. Now, I see the logic, this could potentially work, so I tried it. For two whole weeks I was nothing but smiles (more or less), but each day I went home feeling shittier than the last, I felt like I was lying to everyone.
I couldn't be myself, or another person around my friends. So I gave it up. No one noticed.
But then, this friend (same one from earlier) told my that someone liked me. And I was like, BALLS. But I thought, perhaps I could get to know her? I brought this up with the friend, and she prompty vetoed the idea. Regardless I decided to talk to the girl. As it turned out, she was actually quite cool. She was different, in an odd way. So while maintain the guise of not knowing she liked me, I talked to her. We had some nice conversations to he truthful, not to mention a super romantic hug. But everything we did she'd tell my friend, who accused me of leading her on. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was just going to hurt the poor girl, but I couldn't end it because she didn't know that I knew. So I refrained from talking to her excessively. I watched as she slowly became more and more dejected. Until she got over it. It was awful.
Now I don't normally do this because this is MY brain, but I feel like I should just talk to her, explain it all, and give her a reason, so she's not questioning herself. Would this do any good, or should I just let the situation go, I have an uncontrollable urge to rectify things... Don't get used to me asking questions.

FINALLY.
Im back, hold your applause please.
After pretty much a month of little to no internet connection, i have returned!
HOORAY for the Internets!
I had just returned from a week long ski trip with some friends (Snowboarding trip really), and was super excited to get home and blog about it all.
Everything booted up as usual, my sister's stupid hotmail popup came up, and i opened up a browser.
Them what to my wondering eyes should appear?................. Some computer gibberish about how the internet was not working. This has happened before, so i did the usual turn the router off and on, shake the computer up a bit, restart the entire thing, danced. None of it worked, which i determined was the fault of the router, which was no longer working.
So i walked into the kitchen and gave my dad the

Face.

To which he slowly went to take a look, and came to the same conclusion as i.
Now not wanting to waste any money he ordered the new router with the slowest possible shipping, of all time.
I could have rode my bike to Ohio and back before it got here. (maybe).
Anyways, i have alot to blog about and respond to, so, ill be doing that.
Say a prayer for the Japanese please.

Day Dreams and other thoughts

What an eventful week, band practices every day, a performance today, six tests, i certainly never ran out of things to do. As for the concert we just had tonight, id say it was a mild success. There were plenty of errors, and our teacher was... Fuming, but the parents seemed to enjoy it. And what parent doesn't love seeing there kid make music?....
I was jovial and laughable afterward, but i still don't feel like i fit in with that group of people. Ill just suck it up though, for now, im quite adept at complaining about frivolous things.
I was talking to one of my closest (not very close anymore) friends earlier that day as we walked by Her, i supposed he felt inclined to bring her up because of this. Anyways, he told me all about how he was still friends with her just because her other friends forced him to or something. Which, im sorry, but thats alot of bull.
I love this friend, but i know how he acts around her, ive seen their conversations, he's even said some pretty mean stuff about me to her. Which i understand, everyone wants to be friends with the attractive girl who talks about sex. This has kind of been one of the things that been getting to me lately, all my friends are friends with her. Now many people are in similar situations, but ive seen some of the things they've said about me to her, and it just makes me think.. Are these people really my friends?
I wont tell them these thoughts, it'd just upset everyone.
Something else that's been on my mind, these past two weeks have been really odd. Perhaps its just that ive been so busy, but it feels like im in a really crazy dream, and i cant wake up. Maybe i just need more sleep, or maybe......... Im in Inception..
Everyone as of late seems to regard me the same way they would a........ Ugly Duckling? I couldnt really come up with a good analogy, but im just treated like an outsider. Which i usually am, but now it just feels... unusual.
We'll see what happens.

Thoughts On Valentines Day

Here we are once again, the most romantic day of the year, everything is red and Plush. Lovers give each other huge bouquets of roses and giant cards. And then there's me, the cynical loner, just taking it all in. To me, Valentines Day is amusing. Some of the gifts people give each other are ridiculous, and the dependance on material things is baffling.
To me, Love isnt "oh here's some super expensive jewelry, let's go have sex" (yes, I'm stereotyping). If I wanted to show some one I loved them, I'd write a poem, sing them a song, take them to a beautiful place, and just tell them. Love doesn't need expensive things, I mean jewelry is nice, but there's much more truthful ways to get the point across.
A girl told me today that I was her Valentine, in all truth I was horrified. Not at her, she was a very very nice girl, but at the fact that she felt that way, that she looked up to me. I'm a terrible person. So I took her on a walk and explained what had been going on in my life, and I told her that I was just not in the right emotional state for a relationship. Now if I told my friends about this they would have said "what da hell bro!?!? If you're trying to move on than you need to find someone new."
This is true to an extent, It would help. But for one thing, I didn't like her as anything more than a friend, and I would have given her an awful relationship, I'd just be using her to help myself, and no one deserves that.
I truly hope she isn't upset, people tend to lie about their feelings in situations like that.
So overall it was a rather lonely Valentines, but I didn't expect anything more.
Another thing, not washing your hair for a day to make it softer is bull, and really gross. Trust me, especially with hair like mine.
Goodnight, use a condom.

The Good Stuff

So, I seriously LOVE Sufjan Stevens. I feel bad because there's so many great songs that he has that just putting one on my blog hardly does him justice. Quick fact about me, music is my LIFE, and hence this guy is a bit of an inspiration. In other news, im feeling better about the friend situation, im branching out and meeting new people. Who knows, im very shy, but maybe some of them will understand my overcomplexity and unusual emotional tendencies.
I think if i could listen to good music for the rest of my life, i wouldn't be depressed.

Monday funday?

Today was a very interesting day, I was asked if I was high 3 times, and if I was gay about 4 times, by complete strangers, to all of which I promptly Lol'd and was on my way. I'm not very self concious of my appearence, and I don't do drugs (aside from from excessive amounts of Nyquil). At lunch I spent some time with friends and was generally myself, however, I felt incredibly out if place for some odd reason. And I realized I was hanging out with closed doors, in a sense. None of them really cared for my real personality (well.. Most of them), and were only fond of the facade I put on every day to fit in.
I was suddenly at a loss, and didn't know who I was, acting especially weird. I spent the next period in a daze, attempting to figure myself out, I was obviously overreacting, but I felt oddly alone. I have close to no one to confide in.
By band class I just acted calm and collected, and had a nice chat with some of the few friends who seem as though they know and are accepting of the ME that once was, and is trying to re-emerge.
I'm a bit lost, and very preoccupied. Over what is really not a huge deal, but my brain amplifies things like this. We'll see what happens tomorow.

So I decided to take a weekend free of electronic devices, to see if I could handle it.
I'd say I fared quite well; however, many people were upset with my lack of texting, and I recieved a bunch a text asking "what did I do wrong???" or, " eliiiiiii, why don't you answer? Do you hate me???"
Holy ballsack, people in this day and age are so dependant upon their electronics, socializing, working, reading, music, it's all through little machines. While many of these things aren't neccessarily bad, it's socializing that gets me the most.
During the SuperBowl I saw a commercial where this guy goes from one house, to a eatery, and to another house without his eyes ever leaving a screen of some sort. And while this is highly idealized, it's not far from the truth. Everyone is so dependant on their Twitter and Facebooks and Skypes that they often do anything else with their time than sit around, and socialize via Internet. (blogging is excempt, sorta :3)
Now many people spend their time on the Internet doing things that they consider interesting or funny. And while the catagory "interesting" encompasses things like the news, and wikipedia,(and blogs) many things that are considered interesting by the general public are dramatic. Everyone loves a good drama, be it a nasty breakup, a hatered between people or countries, injuries, death. If it's not happening to them (or even if it is realit'ssomethi something they can tweet or make a status about, and feel impressive. They can make jokes about it, which ties into the other half of this poorly executed rant.
This is the big one.
Humor.
Since it's very begginings the Internet has be a place of humor as well as productivity, while much of it is mediocre at best, people seek out humor to brighten days, have a good laugh by themselves or with a friend, etc etc.
Now, I believe humor is a wonderful thing, I love to laugh, although I rarely do so.
However, this love of humor, spanning from amusing videos and lolcats to bizzar pornography, has become a dependance for many. And this I believe, is part of why humor has become so neccessary in every day socializing.
People love to be entertained, and via the Internet, it's just three or so clicks away. I feel that after so much of this occurs on a regular basis, it carries over to Real Life. People want to maintain that level of entertainment, and if it's not happeneing, it's often not worth their time. Now this is most certainly not true for everyone, I know a few people who are the opposite. But I see this everyday. It feels like many people are becoming more machine-like than the iPods and ipads they so desperately cling to.
Now not only is humor a main staple of internet society, but humor has changed. I read the book "Farenheit 451" last year, and was appalled by it's descriptions of the humor of the future. People decapitating each other in various ways. And while in a stylized sense (I.e. A Tarantino film) this can be more acceptable, I realized that this was not very far from much of our humor today. We just look at it differently.
Change, it's everywhere. It's unstoppable, and often a good thing. But at times.. I'm not sure I like the direction our world is headed.
Well I believe I got close to six trains of thought going there.. I apologize if it's confusing, I don't edit my thoughts. It's my brain, deal.
In other news, the superbowl was today. I was relatively indifferent towards the two teams, but I thought they played a good game.
The halftime show was..... Unusual, in my opinion. Far to random as far as guests go, I was half expecting a resurected Tupac and like.. Billy Joel to pop out. Regardless, the LED jumpsuits were awesome.
The week was hectic as usual, but I tend to do most of my thinking whilst doing tons of things/tasks.
I feel like that's a good thing.

Memories

This song has been one of my very favorites since i was very little, it speaks to me in ways many people don't understand. Ive listened to it every day since i was like...... 10? So i thought, heck, this should go on my Blog.

Sickness

Wow, I never thought I'd actualy feel too sick to write, I'll have to work on that if I want to be a writer..
I have not been feeling well, nor have many others it seems. And in all this time I haven't even accomplished alot of productive thinking, urgh.
Well, one thing that's been on my mind for a long time is how desperate some people are to have attention, or to be accepted by someone they consider superior to them.
People will forget their closest friends just to feel like someone older or cooler than them likes them. Once again, this isn't true for everyone, but in many extracurricular activities, this goes on. Another thing I wonder is if the subject of this appraisal understands what the person is doing, if they enjoy it. Being cool these days is something I found hard to get on board with. As cliche as it is, I'd rather be cool to my friends.
I'll start thinking again soon, in the meantime....... Sleep.

My body... Is not working, To say the least.
Last night, after a rigorous drumline practice, I attended a concert for one of my new favorite bands, Adestria. It was a first time hardcore show for me; however, after months of pent up emotion I was beyond stoked to let some feelings out in the form of hardcore dancing. It was pretty awesome, I must say. And I recieved my share of being destroyed, which is surprisingly rewarding.
Now the following day (today) I played the city Battle of the Bands with some friends of mine.
We were.... Not great at all? But we had fun, and that's the thing that matters(?). Although I was not functioning very well at all the entire day.
Now while I was there, a friend if mine came up to me and said "dude I totally called out your ex on her blog last night, I said dear (insert ex-gf's name here) this is (insert friends name here) on behalf of Eli." and went on and on about how she needs to get over things and grow up and such (it was rather harsh).
Now, I like this friend, and I kind of chuckled at the time to fit in with the other friends cracking up, but I feel like that was uncalled for.
I'm glad I have friends who stick up for me, but not only did he not ask me (which isn't REALLY a big deal) but i didn't need any sticking up for. As far as I know, SHE has moved on.
it was just beating a dead horse, like with a spikey stick. It won't help anything, it'll just make people more upset.
I don't want to sound like I'm kissing up to her, but it wasn't necessary. It was pretty much rude, which no doubt has been a reoccuring theme between she and I in inpersonal ways, but I hoped we could just break it and let each other live their lives. But we'll see what God has planned. I won't apologize, it wouldn't help anything, I'll just explain to my friend my thoughts, and if he thinks I'm a puss, then I apologize.

Humor

Has anyone else noticed, that these days in order to gain attention you almost HAVE to be funny. At least around where I am. If you want people to like you, you have to be humorous, and they moment they stop laughing, the good feelings diminish. Even among my friends I've noticed that when I don't make them laugh they enjoy my presense less. Which is understandable, everyone wants to smile and be happy. But where is the focus on other values, very rarely anymore do I see REAL conversations. Seriousness is regarded as being boring.
Last year, I had incredible trouble garnering friends, mostly because i wasn't funny. I was akward, and no one spends more than ten minutes on that it seems anymore.
But when one focuses his/her life on being funny and pleasing others, they often lose sight of being themselves, and making themselves happy, or losing track of important things both mentally and physically. I'd like to see some people "deviate from the norm" as it were.
Maybe talk about something other than themselves.

The World..

Has anyone else noticed how crazy the world we live in is?
The economy is failing, people are voicing their ideas through violence, war is everywhere, even places we don't expect. Back when i was a kid, i was the stereotypical "Care-free" "live for the moment" child.
I always wanted to know about the world like the adults did. Now as im becoming more of an adult, i rather miss that blatant ignorance.
It seems like our whole world is on the brink of exploding to me at times, but everyday we laugh and carry on like nothing is wrong at all. Out there a kids my age, who were born into war, into genocide, into communities of fear and hate.
Out there, in a war many of us think we are on top of, people die every day. People our age.
And on the side we consider the enemy, people very similar to us who have grown up with such nationalistic and radical ideas (that were normal to them) are killing innocent people and Americans who THEY consider the "Enemy."
We dont understand that patriotism works both ways, and while, yes, their ideas can clearly be discerned as Wrong, its how they were raised, how they were taught, and how they act and think, its not correct to say its not their fault, as the judgment is not there, but we're all humans. Some are just "People of their time" doing the monstrous things they consider "normal."
Just recently, in Russia, a bomb went off in a crowded airport, killing some 30 people (I believe) and wounding hundreds. This just begs the question... WHY?
Whoever did it most likely had been brought up with that purpose in mind, but what is the thinking behind the attack? What could possess a mind to ruthlessly kill innocent men and women and children, for little or no gain?  Terror war is exactly what it says it is, Terrifying. Russia isnt the only place, for years now hundreds of innocent people in the middle east have been dying in similar attacks.
Countries are on the verge of war, threats are being tossed from protesters to Governments and vice-versa.  America sits here trying to dictate the actions of thousands of displeased Egyptians, who have every right to voice their ideas in assembly.
The world is like our lives, very few people follow through. And everyone is deluded by visions of grandeur towards their own country, "we're right, their wrong." An eye for an eye.
I realize im generalizing, but this is the tone the world has stuck, to me.
What can we do? Very little it seems, pray, voice ourselves. Refuse to be average, try to make a difference.
We complain about our lives when so many out there would beg to be in our situations. Id gladly trade.
For me, the day the seas of anger become calm is when the power of love becomes stronger than the love of power. (Call me a hipster, i don't care).

As you can tell, i have unusual musical taste, but this is the song that affected my life the most this week.

Wow, it continues to amaze me how much can occur in 24 hours. Well I havnt thought this post out at all, but here goes. Last night, as I prepared to go to sleep I thought, heck, let's read somes blogs. After reading some Simple Dude I had the urge to read Her blog (bad idea). After skimming a few things I came across a post I found slightly interesting. It was about her social life etc.. It started about how she had been dating some asshole she had "never loved". Now I realize I'm being like her in talking about her, and I'm sure humoring her by letting it affect me. But it crushed me.
I thought all of this stuff had blown over and I was done, but reading that and the following things was.... Heartbreaking? I dunno, I don't have a heart actually.
It's hard for me to express the emotions I felt and am feeling.
I'll come back to it sometime..
In all thruth. I've been waiting for her to say that, for some time. She didn't love me, as she either realized or stated for her own benefit. This is why I ended it originally, so she could find someone she TRUELY loves. I hadn't anticipated I'd be ensnared in the process, best laid plans..
I'll never be able to move on as quickly as her, but I'm getting there. I need to find someone who's different from the rest. And who doesn't just throw the word "Love" around. It'll take some time, but patience is easier for lazy people (does that make sense? I did to me..).

Random encounters and laziness

Today has been a very eventful one, and I didn't even leave my abode. Aside from a band practice I didn't do much at all actually. Yep, it was one of those electronics days, spent uselessly prowling through facebook, answering hundreds of texts, and just being a pile in general. My parents however, decided they wouldn't have any if it, and spent the day making my existance a miserable one. Good Lord my mother is bi-polar, but I suppose having two kids who waste your money and drop out of school before me can do that. There will be no formal, no friends, and minimal food for THIS young man. Oh well, I just told myself "I'd rather have this than my usual emotional trauma."
until, that is, about a half hour ago.
I came across a few of the things She had written on aher blog about me, the day I sort of had a "meltdown" and sent her a very long text. Now as I anticipated, she took it all wrong. I won't say what she wrote, that's her buisness. But in short she thought I was hating on her boyfriend, and her. I can see how she took it that way. But that's not the case. In all truth, I very much respect the guy, we all make mistakes, but he's come away from some very tough ones and now has a very amazing girl in his life. Perhaps one of the most complex and deep girls at our school. I'm happy for them both.
What saddens me however, is how much she's changed. Once upon a time if someone asked "dude, who knows you better than anyone?" I would have promptly replied "-insert ex-girlfriend of importance's name here."
but she doesn't know me, and I don't know her. Not anymore.
She's a stranger, a generalizer. I still see that hypocritical side I used to Love, (the post after she said my friends were being mean to her was a message from a friend saying to beat me up. I LOL'd) but that's it, more or less.
I do know that she's still the amazing person I once Loved (and still do in a sense). But I don't know that person any longer, and if she's better off without me anywhere near her, so be it. All in all, I want her to be happy. It's a shame she didn't take away the real meaning of my words.
Now after reading those posts, I had the craziest feeling of all time. I couldn't even play video games for some reason. Then, some random person in a match with me whom I was talking to sent me a link to a video. The video was the fastest guitar hero player in the world playing some absurdly difficult song, and the first comment was "Holy shit, if this guy fingered a girl, she would DIE."
That completely cracked me up, and I felt quite a bit better. So then I blogged it all. And now I'm going to sleep.

Im not a big fan of Hip Hop music, but when i was on vacation being all depressed-sauce and what have you, this song made me smile. Im especially fond of the quiet "Bitch" he throws in there before the chorus.
But no, i don't actually feel this way unfortunately.

One. More. Day.
Good Lord, I've studied my ass off. But soon it'll be over and once again we'll all fall into that false security of strait A's at the beggining of a semester. In other news, plan to attend school in a full suit on the first day back.
So now for something completely different.
I was invited by a good friend to go to the formal at the school they attend (which I'm not enrolled in). Now I would love to go to the formal, I don't know anyone aside from the girl inviting me, but I could certainly flex my people skills and make some new friends. Unfortunately, for one thing, I don't have a date, and... It cost like 70 bucks. Now the money wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm broke, so it comes down to my parents. They see it as a waste of time and money. So I need to formulate a clever argument..
I just now realized..... It's wednesday! And in all my studying I forgot about a song. I hope you can upload them from iPods.... If not.. I'll just hum to myself.
Something I've been noticing throughout finals, I swear I must have a small brain. Hal of my friends (generic smart people) have not studied for a single final and are getting perfect scores. Whereas I'm studying for hours, and still recieving mediocre scores. Not to mention the bunch if kids who come to Finals blazed out of their mind, but guess what their scores are? Yep, still better than mine. It amazes me actualy more than it aggrivates me. They should do a scientific study on the effects of weed on test scores on average.
Alright, blogging on this iPod touch-keyboard-thing is becoming infuriating. So I'll be signing off. Good luck with mid-terms, if you're taking them. If not.... Good luck with other things.... Yeah.

Holidays

So due to school and a hectic schedule (and laziness), my posts have been few and far between. I'm trying to be more constant to increase ambition levels. Trying being the key word.
In other news, today's celebrates the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (is it his birthday? I always get it confused). Now I'm sure we all know this man's story, you may have seen that animated movie about the kid who goes back in time and brings Martin back with him so he doesn't get shot but it messes up the future, in elementary school. Or was that just my school? Regardless, Dr. King was a very inspirational man. Growing up as a colored child in q very segregated and harsh America. His famous speech "I Have A Dream" Is known world over.
Now King didn't single-handedly put an end to racial prejudice, but his contributions to the world have made an incredible difference. As cliche as it sounds, one person, given enough ambition and inspiration, can make a big difference in the world.
Food for thought, I'm certainly trying to apply it to my life.
A few months ago, I watched a video about Columbine (I wish iPod had spell check), and was struck by one of the things a victim had said. She told that she didn't want to be average, and that she wanted to make a difference in the world.
Now I don't consider myself "average" as I'm a rather odd person, but I wold like to make a difference in this world. So it all comes back to ambition and inspiration. I lack them, but they are very good things. How cool would it be? "Eliwhattheheck Day!"

Late nights

Good Lord, I'm tired. But I need to let some thoughts out before they get lost in the folds of my brain.
I had a deep talk with a friend last night and pretty much told him everything that I've posted on here, but in more detail. He had some good advice, but I don't really feel like he understood what I was trying to tell him. And I don't blame him, he's not used to anything but happy. Which is good, but I just wanted someone to converse to about it all. I'm just really tired of being sad, I'm losing friends over it and I've no reason to to feel this way anymore. But everytime I think of something fun or happy, my brain has some sarcastic comeback that leaves me feeling just as bad. I don't need someone to feel bad for me, just someone to talk to about it. And not run away. Alot of people say I need to please myself and stop trying to make others happy. But I feel like that's part of me, helping others. But hell, maybe simple dude is right and I should get laid. Hah. Well I'm not really sad.... Just a bit lonely. But I suppose that's better than being sad AND lonely.
Goodnight.

Oh Sarah, i know you mean well.. but....

Well, one more day, finals are closing in, so let the late stress-filled nights commence!
Today was actually a decent day as far as im concerned, however i missed a chance to hang out with the members of a  band i like. But friends are important. So after school i was wandering around the house looking for something to amuse myself with when i stumbled across a letter from a few weeks back. You can guess who it was from. She gave it to me the day right before all this...... Craziness began. Now as soon as i finished it i immediately cursed myself for reading it, as it was all about Love and such, and brought tears to my eyes, and hence was counterproductive to the whole "Moving on and getting better" idea. However, later that night as i was eating some Panda Express (FTW)
I realized.... I wasn't depressed. I then realized, I Must Be Getting Over this all!
Now the feeling didn't last for long, but its certainly a start. I still need to find if completely erasing her from my day to day life or including her in it makes me happier. But im on my way. So anyone dealing with the same problem, don't give up. Heck, start a blog. Letting these feelings out is helping quite a bit.
When this finally does all pass over i wonder what ill blog about.......

Wednesday, already we're halfway through the week. Thank the Lord.
This entire week has just been.... off. Nothing feels the same for some reason, and while im sure its just in my head, I get this feeling that something has happened or is going to happen. I dont know if anyone else feels like that..
Im having problems fitting in with my own friends, as all of them (or most of them) are close to Her.
But im not going to tell them to stop talking or hanging out with her, that would be ridiculous on my part.
On the other hand, ive made a few new friends, which is a nice change of pace. As normally in losing them.
But something ive noticed about many people these days is that, most people are self centered. Not conceited by any means, just so fed up with there own lives that they hardly notice much else unless it has some correspondence to their immediate well-being. And this is definitely not true for everyone, but most people have enough problems of their own that they rarely make time to include those of others, which isn't a bad thing, just... saddening? Im hardly one to talk, but its just an observation. This is the my most played song (by me) this week, and it has kept me going through some rough passing periods hah. Enjoy.
So not much has changed lately, the usual dirty looks and laughter. But im coping. I hope everyone else has a wonderful rest of the week, and I always am willing to take the time out to listen to the problems of others.
(Possibly help? I dunno im only a teenager).
Stay Safe. 

One more thing before i sign off, I greatly appreciate all the input and comments. Just because i dont respond doesn't mean i don't acknowledge them. Have a good one.

Ah, so true.

Well, she changed her blog. I very much expected this, but i dont blame her.
I suppose its my fault in a way, but if she'd rather not have me reading her information, i understand.
Just one quick note, i have a feeling ill be asking for the advice of those following me occasionally. But i dont want to see ANYTHING derogatory towards her. That's unnecessary.
In other news i'd like to extend a prayer to those affected by the shooting in Tucson. What a ridiculous world we live in, that something like this has happened. It really puts thing into perspective, i mean, I may be upset over a relationship, but my grief is nothing in comparison to that of those who have had a loved one die. Let alone those suffering from disease and poverty. So id like everyone to think about that the next time their upset, and Trust me. I know when you're truly sad, things like that dont often do anything to brighten your mood. But just think about it.

So after a one day haitus, I'm back on my blog!!!
And my day was officially made by Simple Dude who gave me awesome advice on my love life. Serioulsy, that was my new year highlight. (you can tell I don't have much humor in my life).
But the real purpose of this post is that my ex girlfriend posted a link to my blog and the post from simple dude about me on her tumblr. Which 200 of my friends read. Freaking sweet.
And it was all about how I should have come to her and that sex is not the key. And no, it's not. But it's funny, and she's definately not one to judge that sort of thing. I wasn't upset, just dissapointed. I had hoped some of the things I told her about moral decency would stick, but Its just not going to happen as I now see. The purpose of this blog is just to speak my thoughts for my own amusement. And she knows this.
But I'm not going to change, or troll her. She's entitled to say what she wants, and doesn't have to respect privacy if she doesn't want to I suppose. So I guess I'll just carry on. Anyone I know reading this, hope you get a good laugh.
In other news HOLY CRAP I HAVE FOLLOWERS. and will I change my blog to appeal to them?
Eh... No probably not. Have a good day everyone.

Oh Soviet Russia.... The humor you make possible for us..

Today was a good day. I made some new friends, tried some new things, found that im actually a reasonably likable person if im not emo and just being myself, and i smiled. Not from anyone in particular, and as soon as i did i felt depressed again. But it's been a while, ive missed the feeling.
Ive found some people who like me for me, and not what i pretend to be to please them.
My family life is still not very great, but i get by. I just need to get my grades up.
But now ive found some people who will follow through on their promises, and its a nice change. So much less.... Dramatic?
Im getting better at trying to be happy, although ambition isn't quite there yet.
I need to remember to pray.
Hopefully the people who dont read this are having good weeks, lets make our next one just even better.
(That pep talk was more for me than anyone else) 

NEVER FORGET.

Weeks in General

Thursday. So close, i can taste the weekend and it's sweet freedom. Just one more day....
And a drumline practice, and a boyscout outing. Its amazing how much can be crammed into one day, and my weeks are quite easy in comparison to many people. So in retrospect, this was a decent week, it started well, around the middle was a bit crappy, and has begun to brighten here at the end. Ive done a good job of not being lonely, spending much of my time with friends. Today a new acquaintance brought up... Her. And she told me all this ridiculous stuff she'd said about me, which is the girl i remember. If only she'd let people who have gone through similar problems help her.. But stubbornness has rendered many a soul immovable.
So ill quietly carry on, luckily my hilarious friends keep me going.
I'd say this week is about a 6 out of 10. Much better than i expected. 

   

Ah, Wednesday. You cruel deceiver of hopes, you taunt us with the glories of the end of the week, but constantly remind us that we're only half way. In all actuality i like Wednesdays, for some reason they tend to be good day, or at least interesting ones. I talked to some old friends today, which was very nice, and was generally close to being happy despite a poor exam grade. So i decided on this day of middle-ness id do something different. Ill be posting my "Song Of The Week" as it were, and you'll soon learn i have odd taste in music.

Now all i need is a catchy name......    i just learned i knew "W" word today, so how about... WAPENSHAW WEDNESDAYS!

We'll see.

So i recently discovered the glorious LOL stomping ground that is Putin. The "Chuck Norris" of Russia.
If his real world exploits don't amuse you, this certainly will.

LOLZ and such

So one of my resolutions was to become more ambitious, or at least actually work.
This concept may be shocking to many of you i know, but ive found that actually doing things that are productive can lead you to feel better than if you just bullshitted around all day.
Now, im hardly one to talk as im just discovering this, but in order to keep this alive i thought id make it fun.
I don't know about you, but i like to LOL. Nothing cheers me up or gets my blood pumping more than a good LOL. (Aside from video games and sleeping of course).
So i decided, how about i make sure i LOL at least once every day?
So, to the invisible people who don't read my blog, I present.............. LOLaDAY.
Hopefully every day, depending on my mood, i will post a LOL or otherwise amusing photo or movie for no one to enjoy.
So without further adieu,
Enjoy.

Well, thats it. Goodbye 2010, you sure were awesome. Wait, scratch that... you sucked.
I have not resolved anything, i just want to get by, not talk to anyone, do well in school, and move on. So i suppose that's a resolution right there.
I talked to her, it was nice i guess. She seemed happy, like how we were when we were together.
I was glad to see her happy, but i realize, she's never coming back, we wont be friends, and she couldn't care less about me. But thats the story of my life, one liar after another.
Well, now that im starting the year as a heartless jerk, i suppose ill try to find someone new.
I think ill play some Elder Scrolls, kill some things. Maybe cut myself a little, its all good. Its all good, its a new year.
And though ill never say Love again, or even consider sex, there's alot of fish in the sea.
I just tried to catch a shark without a deep sea lure.
Someone down to earth, who accepts my flaws instead of changing me, and likes me for more than hair.
Ive got a few people in mind.
Goodnight world.
Use a condom everyone.
perhaps two (you know who this is directed to).