Relationships

Alright, this topic is pretty much why I started writing this blog. So here we go.
In September I was aT a theme park, and, being my average self I was texting a few people.
When, rather suddenly if I recall, a girl I had always liked said she thought she had feelings for me. I was estatic, I had always thought this girl to be very pretty and I could be myself around her. However; there were a few problems. She was a very "dramatic" person and quite a few people disliked her because of it. So I waited, I needed to make sure I could handle the hate I knew people would throw at me. And by october I was convinced I could. You see, I believe I fell madly in love with her. Now I had and still don't know how love works, but I felt so strongly attracted to this girl... So in October on my birthday we became a couple. In retrospect, that month was bliss. I had never been that happy before. We hugged, i talked about my feelings, we were super sarcastic, we kissed in the rain, and we both tried new things for one another. She put alot on the Line fo me, and I did the same. But we were happily in love. We celebrated one month together, but then I felt something different. I felt like I didn't make her happy, that I wasn't good enough. I wanted her to be happy so much... I loved her, love her, so much. But I was rash, I wanted her to find someone perfect, so I ended it. It was the most stupid thing I've ever done. And she had no idea, I let her walk away, and that was that. Another girl came to comfort me, because at this point I realized the gravity of my error, and for a long while I pushed her away. But eventually, I opened up, I wept to her, and... Here comes the thing I regret more than anything. We kissed.
At the time it felt healing, but it just tore me apart more. And I wondered how she took it.
My girlfriend and I "made up" but it helped nothing, she grew happier and I grew sadder. We never talked, and even though she said she still loved me, I knew the feeling had passed. I missed her, and the one time we hung out, we didn't even talk. I was so crushed, I wanted to fix thing so badly, I love her so much.
Then, we started talking again. I opened up to her, and she said she wanted me to be happy. She even wrote me a letter. I was touched. We hugged again, and she told me she didn't want to leave me. I was so happy, I was estatic once more. But the next day, we didn't talk. Except when she'd go over to me and talk about how happy she was. Then I found out the truth, she was dating someone, as of that day. This guy was good looking, secure, seductive, and manly, everything I never was. And she gave up on me, basically telling me I'd never be happy. Just like that, one day. I never hurt so much before, I never really thought relationships would hurt. But I cry all the time now, I'm morbidly depressed, and nothing at all cheers me up.
I miss her, and it's my own fault, I screwed my self.
In the long run, I'm glad she's happy. Apparently she's never liked anyone as much as this guy. But I still love her, and I still think about her, and cry.
What a sucky holiday it turned out to be.