New Years

So im finally home, just in time for New Years.
I was delighted to find that not a single friend wanted to hang out (extreme sarcasm).
So im spending yet another holiday alone, ill do some homework, pity myself, and maybe watch a movie.
Pretend im at one of the big parties everyone is going to.
It seems weird to me, i lost all but about three or four TRUE friends from dating her, and even they dont really have time for me. I dont blame them, we all have our lives to attend to.
Weirder still, i dont regret it. I wouldn't take it back.
I heard a rumor she read this blog, i have a sneaking suspicion she cracked up and told Mr. Perfect about this idiotic blog she just read. I would not blame her.
If this did effect her at all, i apologize, as im sure it just brings confusion.
All i truly want is for her to be happy, even if that means im sad forever.
Happy New Years.

Yesterday was better, and today was.. Decent.
Nature helped me get my mind off it all, helped me realize how rediculous it is that I can't get over this. When she did so in a few days..
Perhaps I can't get over this as fast is because no one really knows how to help, seeing as she was the only person I opened up to, well.. Only person that listened.
I've come to realize that I like being lonely, it let's me think and write.
I got frostbite, but didn't feel it. I don't feel much anymore haha.
But at least I don't cry any longer, and I'm touched by those who are trying to help. But as ive always wanted, I want them to be there for her. I don't deserve their caring. All I need us to have ambition back in my life. I don't need esteem or happiness. Just the desire to move on.

Homesick

So here I am on yet another sleepless night. I need to get over this..
I can't keep my mind off of her. It's crazy..
And yes, I'm duley aware that my two last posts contradict each other. Telling others to be happy is much easier than actualy being happy.
I just need someone to hold.
I have found something good however. I'm becoming closer to God, hopefully that brings me happiness.
But right now, I want to be with friends. I'm alone out here.
I'm often alone anymore.

Relationships

Alright, this topic is pretty much why I started writing this blog. So here we go.
In September I was aT a theme park, and, being my average self I was texting a few people.
When, rather suddenly if I recall, a girl I had always liked said she thought she had feelings for me. I was estatic, I had always thought this girl to be very pretty and I could be myself around her. However; there were a few problems. She was a very "dramatic" person and quite a few people disliked her because of it. So I waited, I needed to make sure I could handle the hate I knew people would throw at me. And by october I was convinced I could. You see, I believe I fell madly in love with her. Now I had and still don't know how love works, but I felt so strongly attracted to this girl... So in October on my birthday we became a couple. In retrospect, that month was bliss. I had never been that happy before. We hugged, i talked about my feelings, we were super sarcastic, we kissed in the rain, and we both tried new things for one another. She put alot on the Line fo me, and I did the same. But we were happily in love. We celebrated one month together, but then I felt something different. I felt like I didn't make her happy, that I wasn't good enough. I wanted her to be happy so much... I loved her, love her, so much. But I was rash, I wanted her to find someone perfect, so I ended it. It was the most stupid thing I've ever done. And she had no idea, I let her walk away, and that was that. Another girl came to comfort me, because at this point I realized the gravity of my error, and for a long while I pushed her away. But eventually, I opened up, I wept to her, and... Here comes the thing I regret more than anything. We kissed.
At the time it felt healing, but it just tore me apart more. And I wondered how she took it.
My girlfriend and I "made up" but it helped nothing, she grew happier and I grew sadder. We never talked, and even though she said she still loved me, I knew the feeling had passed. I missed her, and the one time we hung out, we didn't even talk. I was so crushed, I wanted to fix thing so badly, I love her so much.
Then, we started talking again. I opened up to her, and she said she wanted me to be happy. She even wrote me a letter. I was touched. We hugged again, and she told me she didn't want to leave me. I was so happy, I was estatic once more. But the next day, we didn't talk. Except when she'd go over to me and talk about how happy she was. Then I found out the truth, she was dating someone, as of that day. This guy was good looking, secure, seductive, and manly, everything I never was. And she gave up on me, basically telling me I'd never be happy. Just like that, one day. I never hurt so much before, I never really thought relationships would hurt. But I cry all the time now, I'm morbidly depressed, and nothing at all cheers me up.
I miss her, and it's my own fault, I screwed my self.
In the long run, I'm glad she's happy. Apparently she's never liked anyone as much as this guy. But I still love her, and I still think about her, and cry.
What a sucky holiday it turned out to be.

Thoughts on Christmas

Ah Christmas, a time of giving, a time of family and happiness.
The day that many know as the birth of Jesus Christ, and many more know as the day of presents and relaxation.
Children fill out lists of hopes and dreams they wish to recieve from the Jolly Old Elf.
But times are changing.
I don't know about you, but I believed in Santa until about.... Oh, 5th grade.
But I talked to a few 3rd grade children who told me straight up, that Santa didn't exist. Now I suppose that the parenting could have something to do with this, but "Santa Claus" has become very commercial. I mean, the mall Santa has never been a big deal, but the car commercials, YouTube videos, etc etc. A kid starts to wonder. For me the season has gotten less jolly every year. It was good to see that our "waining" economy did not have a huge effect on the holiday shopping, but many people this year had a... Less than happy holiday.
Christmas is a time of giving, yet people are just bundling up and keeping to themselves. I hardly saw any of the usual sharing and caring that Christmas normaly brings, I saw very little help for the needy, and on Facebook all the Christmas statuses were either about how people didn't get the "loot" they wanted, or they obsessed over the material things they recieved. All I want for Christmas is to see some more holiday cheer.
It's the birthday of JC, it's a time to celebrate and spread happiness, trust me. Giving feels very rewarding. So anyone who reads this, I have a challenge for you. As the holidays draw to a close, do something selfless. Help someone push their car out of a drift, feed a needy person, buy a gift for a sad friend. Even just comfort someone.
Let's bring the "Merry" back to "Merry Christmas!"

First Thoughts

Blogging.
What an odd prospect, two months ago if anyone had asked me about blogging I would have told them it was a waste of time.
But here I am. iPod in hand, blogging away.
The purpose of this is not to appeal to the masses, not to increase my popularity.
I am using this as a tool to document my thoughts, and seeing as I would lose a diary, I'll use the Internet. How one finds a specific blog on this site I have no idea, but don't expect glamorous posts of my wonderful love life, (I have none anyways)
or talks about school gossip. These are my thoughts, and opinions.
So if you do happen to read this, enjoy, laugh if you see fit, I don't mind.
For these are the thoughts of one rather sombre person, who thinks often (well, some may disagree).