Hello Again

Well... It's been ages. I suppose at the time of my departure I felt that this blog was merely something that tied me to the previous hardships of my life, things I've moved on from. But after scrolling through quite a few posts (many of which were surprisingly intellectual for a younger me) I realized that I shouldn't be ashamed of the darker parts of my life. This whole blogging business is something Id' like to continue doing, even if I have become a bit more cynical (but otherwise stable). I doubt I'll recount everything that has occurred in my life up to this point, but we'll see. Whatever I do... It's good to be back.

*Expresses Frustration*

Well I certainly didn't think I'd actually get around to blogging tonight, mostly due to my ridiculous schedule and pure lameness. But anyways, some..... Crazy stuff just down. As in within this last hour.
So I'm hanging out on my bed studying some AP Euro, when my cell phone rings, which is a rather unusual occurrence. Now when I pick it up, the person on the other end is a girl who is in band with me. A very quiet type, I'd honestly not spoken 10 words to the girl, but I'd always thought her very nice (she's a year older than me mind you).
So she tells about how her two good friends were asking MY two best friends to Prom, and was wondering if I'd like to go with her................
*insert me freaking out*
I was just like "WHAT????????????? PROM?????????"
And my face removed itself from my body.
Now in reality I calmly told her I'd be delighted, and we talked for a little while (which was kind of akward but very nice). Now after I hung up I just kind of sat in a dazed stupor. PROM??? I mean. Who would even consider me??? Especially this girl whom I hardly knew.
Now while I was freaking out I was also ecstatic. I was super excited. I mean, PROM!!!
with this girl, this could possibly be super awesome. Perhaps even a chance to finally move on completely. Nit to mention my two best friends in the world would be going with me. It was to good to be true.
Unfortunately, it was.
I looked at my calendar to write down the date, and realized that my Uncle's wedding was the exact same day. In Pittsburg, and I was attending. I had no say in the matter.
So I stared at my phone for twenty minutes trying to think of what to say, and then called the girl back and told her....... She sounded so sad...... I felt, feel, awful. That I had led her on like that. Not to mention, all those grand plans ruined....
But I suppose that's life.
Goodnight.

....... WOW......

As the title so adeptly states....... WOW...... Its been a while. I mean, its been a few months since ive even thought about going on this site. WOH WOH WEE WOH, everything has changed...... Not really.
It was interesting to reread some entries from months long past. I sounded..... Kinda Whiny. But I know i had at least a half decent reason.
I wont lie, the reason for my absence was well...... I just didnt want to do it anymore. I thought perhaps if i just rid myself of any ties to the world of emotional instability, it would bring about that change i hoped for. I just thought "Heck, i dont need this to feel better, I'm the one that will make myself feel better, so i need to get out and do it." Which until that point had seemed like a hopeless cause.
Now the reason for the changed in mindset actually came partially from the viewers of this blog ( Which i cant thank you enough for listening to my disheartening ramblings, if anyone still remembers this exists hah), as well as a good friend. Now this friend is the older brother of my main man, my bread and butter as it were (best friend). Now this guy has done it all, he's traveled all over, worked all sorts of intriguing jobs, and quite letter had sex with more women than i have friends (that sounds unimpressive, so we'll say ALOT of women).
But this guy isnt a playa, or a sex crazed asshole, he's a devoted family man who kind to everyone, and tries to help people wherever he goes. He's a very awesome dude in general. Now i finally got the courage to tell this guy about my predicament, and how frustrated i was that i still got terrible pangs of sadness. So he told me that i was depending to much on other people to make me happy. He said that yes, other people can try to make you happy, or can complete you, but only YOU can make yourself happy. And that doesn't mean just being loner. YOU need to accept the help of others and apply it to your life, you cant just ride on them, hoping it'll make you happier. Now im doing him an injustice be repeating all this in the way im doing it, but the way he said it... There was just something that CLICKED. And i decided to use that mindset in my life from that point on. And its helped, im become gradually happier with each day that passes. Some other stuff happened.. but im falling asleep at the keyboard, so ill save it. Have a good one. 

No Hard Feelings

My, what a week it's already turned Out to be, not to mention we celebrated my favorite holiday....... PI DAY!!!! Heck yeah.
So let me fill in the gap between the past and present that has occurred since my last real post.
And..... I'm drawing a blank.
That normally means it was just ok, and my brain was to lazy to remember it.
We had our first and only Wind Symphony concert, which went over alright. I left early with some friends to party (which means we blasted indie music and spent all our money at Panda Express).
Well, if I remember more I'll post about it, I'm positive there was.
Moving on, recently, as in this past month, I've talked to one of my few friends I can have a real conversation with. She has an absurd amount of patience for me, which I am glad of. We bitch to each other and give each other life help constantly, and she finally convinced me to just pretend to be happy, but put a huge effort into it. Because, she said, you'll find you'reself actually in a better mood by the end of the day. Now, I see the logic, this could potentially work, so I tried it. For two whole weeks I was nothing but smiles (more or less), but each day I went home feeling shittier than the last, I felt like I was lying to everyone.
I couldn't be myself, or another person around my friends. So I gave it up. No one noticed.
But then, this friend (same one from earlier) told my that someone liked me. And I was like, BALLS. But I thought, perhaps I could get to know her? I brought this up with the friend, and she prompty vetoed the idea. Regardless I decided to talk to the girl. As it turned out, she was actually quite cool. She was different, in an odd way. So while maintain the guise of not knowing she liked me, I talked to her. We had some nice conversations to he truthful, not to mention a super romantic hug. But everything we did she'd tell my friend, who accused me of leading her on. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was just going to hurt the poor girl, but I couldn't end it because she didn't know that I knew. So I refrained from talking to her excessively. I watched as she slowly became more and more dejected. Until she got over it. It was awful.
Now I don't normally do this because this is MY brain, but I feel like I should just talk to her, explain it all, and give her a reason, so she's not questioning herself. Would this do any good, or should I just let the situation go, I have an uncontrollable urge to rectify things... Don't get used to me asking questions.

FINALLY.
Im back, hold your applause please.
After pretty much a month of little to no internet connection, i have returned!
HOORAY for the Internets!
I had just returned from a week long ski trip with some friends (Snowboarding trip really), and was super excited to get home and blog about it all.
Everything booted up as usual, my sister's stupid hotmail popup came up, and i opened up a browser.
Them what to my wondering eyes should appear?................. Some computer gibberish about how the internet was not working. This has happened before, so i did the usual turn the router off and on, shake the computer up a bit, restart the entire thing, danced. None of it worked, which i determined was the fault of the router, which was no longer working.
So i walked into the kitchen and gave my dad the

Face.

To which he slowly went to take a look, and came to the same conclusion as i.
Now not wanting to waste any money he ordered the new router with the slowest possible shipping, of all time.
I could have rode my bike to Ohio and back before it got here. (maybe).
Anyways, i have alot to blog about and respond to, so, ill be doing that.
Say a prayer for the Japanese please.

Day Dreams and other thoughts

What an eventful week, band practices every day, a performance today, six tests, i certainly never ran out of things to do. As for the concert we just had tonight, id say it was a mild success. There were plenty of errors, and our teacher was... Fuming, but the parents seemed to enjoy it. And what parent doesn't love seeing there kid make music?....
I was jovial and laughable afterward, but i still don't feel like i fit in with that group of people. Ill just suck it up though, for now, im quite adept at complaining about frivolous things.
I was talking to one of my closest (not very close anymore) friends earlier that day as we walked by Her, i supposed he felt inclined to bring her up because of this. Anyways, he told me all about how he was still friends with her just because her other friends forced him to or something. Which, im sorry, but thats alot of bull.
I love this friend, but i know how he acts around her, ive seen their conversations, he's even said some pretty mean stuff about me to her. Which i understand, everyone wants to be friends with the attractive girl who talks about sex. This has kind of been one of the things that been getting to me lately, all my friends are friends with her. Now many people are in similar situations, but ive seen some of the things they've said about me to her, and it just makes me think.. Are these people really my friends?
I wont tell them these thoughts, it'd just upset everyone.
Something else that's been on my mind, these past two weeks have been really odd. Perhaps its just that ive been so busy, but it feels like im in a really crazy dream, and i cant wake up. Maybe i just need more sleep, or maybe......... Im in Inception..
Everyone as of late seems to regard me the same way they would a........ Ugly Duckling? I couldnt really come up with a good analogy, but im just treated like an outsider. Which i usually am, but now it just feels... unusual.
We'll see what happens.

Thoughts On Valentines Day

Here we are once again, the most romantic day of the year, everything is red and Plush. Lovers give each other huge bouquets of roses and giant cards. And then there's me, the cynical loner, just taking it all in. To me, Valentines Day is amusing. Some of the gifts people give each other are ridiculous, and the dependance on material things is baffling.
To me, Love isnt "oh here's some super expensive jewelry, let's go have sex" (yes, I'm stereotyping). If I wanted to show some one I loved them, I'd write a poem, sing them a song, take them to a beautiful place, and just tell them. Love doesn't need expensive things, I mean jewelry is nice, but there's much more truthful ways to get the point across.
A girl told me today that I was her Valentine, in all truth I was horrified. Not at her, she was a very very nice girl, but at the fact that she felt that way, that she looked up to me. I'm a terrible person. So I took her on a walk and explained what had been going on in my life, and I told her that I was just not in the right emotional state for a relationship. Now if I told my friends about this they would have said "what da hell bro!?!? If you're trying to move on than you need to find someone new."
This is true to an extent, It would help. But for one thing, I didn't like her as anything more than a friend, and I would have given her an awful relationship, I'd just be using her to help myself, and no one deserves that.
I truly hope she isn't upset, people tend to lie about their feelings in situations like that.
So overall it was a rather lonely Valentines, but I didn't expect anything more.
Another thing, not washing your hair for a day to make it softer is bull, and really gross. Trust me, especially with hair like mine.
Goodnight, use a condom.